A few suggestions for the Plaque Deception Stress Disordered

Porketta bingo anyone?

To the Expositor:

This letter is being submitted in response to the letters which were sent in by Mr. Terry Bolton from Chatham (herein referred to as the ‘Honesty Capital of Ontario,’ or HCO for the sake of convenience), who seems to have been permanently scarred by what he refers to as ‘plaque deception.’ (‘A tale of disputed traffic lights unfolds,’ June 15, page 4)

It seems Mr. Bolton has taken great issue with the fact that we now have several stoplights, in various locations, around our great Island, while the historical plaque found at the swing bridge indicates that the stoplight there is our one and only. As the editor of this fine paper already pointed out, the stoplights found along Hwy 540 are temporary. Temporary, as in impermanent; provisional; and short term. These temporary stoplights will be in place for a few months while necessary road construction takes place, whereas the plaque you’re referring to is a permanent fixture and not one that, as you suggest, we ‘take to the dump’ or ‘throw into the channel’ (I can’t believe someone from the HCO would even suggest such a thing!)

Speaking of the great HCO, I hope you are able to find a local support group which can assist you in recovering from your recent trip to Manitoulin Island and this blatant ruse you were exposed to. Perhaps, Mr. Bolton, you might even consider lobbying the World Health Organization to include ‘Plaque Deception Stress Disorder’ (PDSD) as an internationally recognized disorder, right up there with PTSD no doubt!

Now, call me crazy, but I get the feeling from your first two letters that you might be someone with a fair amount of free time on your hands. That being said, I’d like to offer up some alternatives so that those of us who enjoy reading The Manitoulin Expositor aren’t subjected to any more of your unfounded longwindedness (yes, I did make that word up—I’m a Haweater, we can do shit like that). First alternative/suggestion: bump up your weekly bowling practice from once a week to twice a week (heck, if your bowling arm isn’t too stressed from typing, go for three practices a week!). Second alternative/suggestion: check the Chatham Daily News or the Chatham Voice for local porketta bingos—not only will this help fill in your time, you just might come home a winner (assuming, of course, that the Mitchell brothers don’t beat you in the bingo hall as they’ve been known to do at the bowling alley).

In closing, I’d like to address the fact that in your letter you listed three solutions. Please let me offer a fourth. Don’t come back.

Susan Whynott (Van Horn)

Northeastern Manitoulin and the Islands